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lisafox10800 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote lisafox10800 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jun 2017 at 5:14pm
Originally posted by Zblugg Zblugg wrote:

Originally posted by Tim G Tim G wrote:

Originally posted by lisafox10800 lisafox10800 wrote:

  • And a dash-cam is $29.99, and would be the first thing anybody in her situation would purchase after the second attack, making her situation concrete.

And if there's a killer on the phone you use caller ID. And if an alien's terrorising your crew you all get in the escape pod. This comment ignores the deliberate naivety that so many of the best thrillers embrace; it's the magic of the movies! I'd not worry too much about it.

Also it was totally evocative of Duel for me too. Not derivative, just that sense of WHY ME?

True. So true.

So many movies wouldn't be made if authors couldn't count on some level of voluntary "stupidity" on the characters' part. Horror movies and thrillers being prime candidates for it.

Thank you both! Without the human flaws of our characters, thrillers and horror stories simply would not exist!  LOL  
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ozwaldo1 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jun 2017 at 5:23pm
Hi,
I wasn't sure what to expect on the feedback front and after reading it I was pleasantly surprised with comments/suggestions. They definitely raised some good questions that I didn't think of as I was too close to the story. But I will surely look into addressing some of the comments.

''Just Kill Me'' by jeff oswald -   


WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY:


{1610}  ~ You choose some wonderful names here, for both man and beast.

~ This was a poignant and powerful description: "their charred memories and lives waft into the shelter below."

~ VERY funny concept: to have the Dragon wish to die. 


{1628}  Gets into the story quickly with Jindrag's attack. "A cough correcting him from off-screen." - funny touch. Ditto "...dragon slayers. Yes!"  Jeddo's self-promotional personality is fun. Interesting concept regarding Jeddo's "weapon."  


{820}  The coupon and Jeddo's bombastic speech give this a fun light-hearted tone.  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK:


{1610}  ~ It took rather too long for you to establish the tone of your tale:

The opening scenes flipped from idyllic to horrific and only later did we realize that this story is really comedic.

~ it's a general rule of thumb to try to avoid having characters whose names begin with the same letter unless that enhances the plot of course. Otherwise, they can become confusing for readers who don't have the benefit in the early stages of seeing these characters easily distinguished on the screen. In your case, you have Jindrag and Jeddo.

~ After establishing Dolphius as your protagonist you then hand the reins over entirely to the Dragonslayer. I wouldn't take Dolphius out of the plot like that so utterly, especially as we're rooting for him to return home with a mighty tale. He can come along and bear witness to the slaying and also suffer, although not lethally, as a victim of Jeddo's egomaniacal monologue. 


{1628}  Try putting the opening montage before Dolphius is introduced or keep him in it with him seeing all the various sights listed. JINDRAG is a major character so CAPS when introducing him. "I think this is it." - who is Dolphious talking to here? Didn't understand who "Double D" was (his sword)?  As the ending (and the whole film) is comedic, the ending should be more of a swift surprise - here it's a little protracted with Jindrag first impaling himself and then asking to be killed, then all Jeddo's bragging.  Could also maybe even used a capper with everyone in Huronia getting sick of Jeddo's bragging and Sheila digging out yet another coupon to deal with Jeddo (maybe for a witch's spell?)!  


{820}  I'd love to see how the town reacts to the dragon's vanquishing. Do they feed into Jeddo's ego, with Rarytas as the only one who knows what a blowhard he really is? And where is Rarytas during the whole "battle" anyway? He disappears from the scene as soon as they reach the dragon's cave, but he must still be around.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote NilesPerry Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jun 2017 at 7:40pm

Overall, I'm pleased with the feedback. It irks me that one judge mentions budget, which in these competitions shouldn't be an issue. And the remark about using the ellipse in the logline was picky... the ellipse was there because it's part of my style.

I'm disregarding the comment about people crowded around Leslie's desk and the risk that Harry would see them because that judge obviously missed the fact that it was all taking place after hours in the middle of the night when Harry (and the rest of the office) was home in bed asleep!


''Coffee and Contracts'' by Scott Young & Louise Kelley (Group 46)

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{1795}

I very much enjoyed this script. There's nothing too costly in terms of budgeting, and that is one of its best assets, aside from the fact that it's hilarious.

The image of this rich guy who thinks he's going to get even richer, now working as a barista in a dingy coffee shop is wonderful.

{1626}

Loved this back and forth:

BETH: Danny, do you have your laptop?

DANNY: When do I not?”

The detail about the account numbers being different was clever, and a great way to bring Leslie in.

Like this exciting line: “Say hello to your new partner in crime.”

Very strong ending, I loved the dollar bill and Mason working at a Koffee King.

{1703}

The author creates a believable backstory that gives them motivation to do something so risky. I liked Leslie's role, and how her skill set is not over-explained. The ending brought the story full circle.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{1795}

While your directions are detailed, I think there are a few actions, and pieces of info you could do well to add to them.

I was amazed that they were doing all of this document printing, and shredding by Leslie's desk... I'd suggest either changing the location, or detail a constant lookout while the gang make sure Harry doesn't catch on, or notice them. Given that Leslie is the brains of the operation, it seems odd that she would have the lot of them gathered around her desk, right near Harry's office.

{1626}

Avoid ellipses in the logline.

The exposition about the bonuses was a little straightforward and didn’t read terribly realistically. Overall, good writing and wonderful creativity.

{1703}

My only hang-up is the note at the end. After going through such lengths to cover their tracks, why would the three basically confess? While the idea of them all running off to Brazil was fun, I don't know if there's enough to support the idea that they are so close as to want to start their lives over together.


Onward to Round 2. :)

"What a day! What a lovely day!"
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Adite View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Adite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jun 2017 at 11:37pm
Wow, I'm kind of impressed with myselfTongue.... Many of the reviewers on this forum had already pointed out  the bits that needed work, so I wasn't surprised to hear that from the judges as well. Definitely pleased that the judges got the relationship between Shalini and Milee (complementary differences vs competitive). I couldn't have put it any better than that. Big smile

The feedback from the judges on your Screenwriting Challenge 2017 submission from the 1st Round is below.  We hope you find the feedback helpful and you enjoyed the challenge!

 

''Love Thy Neighbor'' by Adite Banerjie -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1744}  This was a funny, sweet story, with lots of fun twists. Shalini and Milee were a funny pair. Rakesh's concern for his dog really rounded out his character and made him more complex.  {1610}  ~ You did a great job conveying the hormone driven and saturated atmosphere of an apartment building filled with youthful tenants.

~ Enjoyed the contrast between Milee and Shalini, along with the fact that their differences were complementary rather than competitive, even when Rakesh came on the scene.

~ You provide a nice balance by having Shalini be the temperate character in the opening scene but then spacey enough to misplace her keys.

~ Very cute ending, where you bookend the Divine Intervention bit!  {1713}  A lovely script with some fantastic character development and flow. I loved how distinctive each character appeared to be, along with the dialogue and the structure. Shalini and Milee were given enough time at the beginning to provide the necessary foundation for a very engaging story. Well done.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1744}  What do Shalini and Milee do? Are they students? What kind of jobs do they have/fields do they work in? If you can add a bit more information about them, your story will be stronger.  {1610}  ~ After disclosing the kind of work Rakesh does and then having him ask after Shalini, it seemed delinquent to not have her name her field of employment, especially since she is apparently so preoccupied with her work deadline.

~ You chime the "What are neighbors' for?" note one time too many in the Shalini-Rakesh rescue scene.

~ Since Rakesh ends up being more attracted to, Shalini than to Milee, it would be juicy to foreshadow this by having him gaze at her with interest when he is initially in the girls'

apartment.

~ It seemed a little on-the-nose that Rakesh would ask Shalini directly about a Vet, especially since she doesn't appear to have a pet herself.

Yes, she did get along with his dog immediately, but that's not enough.

Better he should just call out to the room," Does anyone know of a Vet nearby?" And then have Shalini respond,  "Yes, come on, I will take you."  {1713}  I didn't find much about the script that felt as though it needed improvement. However, because of the quality dialogue at the beginning, I definitely think that the interaction with Rakesh could have been further development towards the end. He came across as a little two-dimensional in contrast.
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rossinny View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rossinny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jun 2017 at 3:38am
One of my judge's feedback (Judge 1733 below) was for the wrong screenplay.... I have written to NYC but no reply yet.
 
... if you think it's yours, let me know!
 
''BEST SERVED COLD'' by Ross Williams -  
 
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -
 
{1576}  Well-written with a strong, smart voice. Nice twists in the end (though a citizens arrest sounds a bit unimportant - it should be a real arrest). But nice comedy, nice way of working the elements into it, and the reviews were well written. For me, it was the writing that won the day. 
 
{1733}  I loved the dialogue and wit of the adventure. It was fun to read the review and see Daniel's reaction! 
 
 {1812}  This is a fun comedy caper with a surprise twist at the end that I didn't see coming! I especially enjoyed the witty review of the yellow fin tuna! 
 
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -
 
{1576}  It is a bit wordy and verbose, and perhaps a few lines could be trimmed or cut, but overall I enjoyed it. I would change the citizens arrest to a real arrest and just have Angus be a cop. 
 
{1733}  The scenes could use a little reorder. I would love to meet Vanessa closer before we get to the tie up of Jeromy; the reason why is because it feels like we go backwards in the action when you always want to push ahead to a wonderful huge finish. As it is, it feels like it steps back in pace. 
 
{1812}  The surprise twist at the end is good...however to make it more meaningful to the story, there needs to be some background information about Tommy's apparent murder and disappearance. This is a good way to develop Serena's character and bring her more into the story as she mourns for her brother and vows to find his body. This would lay out the motive for the crime caper that follows, which appears to be missing from the plot development, without giving away the ending
Round 1 flash fictionAn Eye for an Eye
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote JeffreyHowe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jun 2017 at 3:50pm
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
{1624}  The only thing that rubs me the wrong way a little is how easily the Midwife gave in to Violette's insistance on keeping her son - I feel like someone who's trying to overthrow a government figure wouldn't be so quick to give up the person they hope to replace him with...but then again there is no way that particular story would fit into 12 pages. Given the requirements, I feel like it works.

{1743}  Be wary of transitions.  It may be prudent to revisit the story to look for transitions and making sure that if they need revision the author can do so with just a descriptive phrase, or two.  

{1543}  It feels a little bit like a feature film sped up to fit in twelve pages. It could very well be about the midwife coming to pick up the son, and Violette's reaction. However, there's not any changes necessary to have the story make sense.

I knew more or less what all three judges pointed out, which made getting called out on it by them strangely reassuring. I reached a point where my fear of screwing up the stuff that was working well overcame my desire to fix what wasn't.

edited for grammarEmbarrassed




Edited by JeffreyHowe - 18 Jun 2017 at 9:21am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Scarlet Screenwriter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jun 2017 at 6:59am

Nah, I always stick my feedback on the end of the actual story ... keeps it all in context ... I mean, it is the ultimate feedback, though I often find it useless ...








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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote stephenmatlock Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jun 2017 at 1:37pm
Originally posted by lisafox10800 lisafox10800 wrote:

...Thank you both! Without the human flaws of our characters, thrillers and horror stories simply would not exist!  LOL  


Lordy, how astute this is! And this is why some stories don't work--the characters must have flaws or they are not interesting. Even bad people need the flaw of having some good points.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MaHaBone Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jun 2017 at 11:39pm
Originally posted by Tim G Tim G wrote:

Originally posted by aerolissa aerolissa wrote:

If you think back to Old Tales you've read, the evil characters have some backstory that explains their wounds and/or ambitions.

Yeah I call bullsh*t on that...

Agreed. This whole "Sympathy for the Devil" is a notion of the Romantic Era. Medieval folk tales were content to let evil be evil for its own sake.
R1:H44:Pressing the Flesh
R2:H3:Beef
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote JuliKobayashi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jun 2017 at 2:21am
Here's the official feedback from the judges. Overall, I'm over the moon that I made it to the second round, and I felt the feedback was totally fair and helpful. Much of the critique was brought up on this thread (thanks, fellow writers!).  i also posted this on the thread with my script

''Black Horizon'' by Juli Kobayashi -   


WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {326}  There's several good touches throughout that really make certain moments pop. Small details, like comparing the crowd surrounding Zia to the eye of a storm, or the "CLIP!" as Vincent cuts himself loose. These are minor touches, but it's those little details that really help the story pop.  


{1744}  This story was very engaging and exciting, right from the first moments. It's expertly paced, and the flashbacks add a vivid layer to the narrative. The high speed car chase is particularly fun. The characters are compelling and nuanced. Great work!  


{1631}  Nice set up, and great work building tension.  The action sequences were excellently written.

I like the use of the countdown and the GPS showing distance to really build the suspense.

Good dialogue.  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {326}  I feel like there should be a little more interaction between Zia and Vincent after the crisis has been averted. The whole story builds to her putting the ring back on her finger, but the moment is somewhat muted by the fact the only dialogue the two have shared is the quick, functional exchanges during the showdown. Let us see the more personal side after the situation has calmed down.  


{1744}  I'd love just a few more details about Vincent. Who is he? What's he like? You don't have much time to introduce him, but it would be good to understand just how much he means to Zia. See if you can add a couple more details about him.  


{1631}  I liked this story but there were two aspects that felt implausible and thus gave me hesitation from going all in on this.  First, the fact that she accepted this threat and then performed this feet on her bike made me think she was a spy or other trained professional.  But it turns out she was just a doctor.  I think we need more background on her to convince us she would react this way.   Secondly, how did Mr. Wagner know the details of his daughter's death?  I think this would have been more believable perhaps if he'd come off as crushed from the beginning instead of cold and calculating. It just really felt like we were going into James Bond territory, but instead it was a personal drama that didn't quite feel it lived up to all the drama.

Technical issue: You introduce the bald man as "BALD MAN' but then call him  MAN ON IPHONE SCREEN.  Leave it as Bald Man.  Also if we see him in the video, it's not a voice over.

 

SC2017 R1 Action/Adventure: Black Horizon
R2: Historical Fiction-fear of heights-dictator: Jusztina
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